Things happen exactly as they are supposed to.

I often forget that.

I tried to watch American Beauty years ago, getting to the almost-end, just as Mena Suvari tells Kevin Spacey that this would be her first time, and he wraps her in a blanket.

I can’t remember why, but at the time, the movie was turned off and I never got to see the end. And I knew Kevin Spacey would die, I just didn’t know why. Or how.

Several years back, I dated a guy that listed this among his favorite movies. But, despite my asking, we never watched it together, and we broke up a short time later.

It would never have occurred to me that I wasn’t supposed to see the end. Not either of those times, anyway.

I tried to watch it twice today, once this morning, the second this afternoon. However, the DVD on my computer wasn’t playing along with me. So I went about my day, and finally cozied up with a martini and a leather chair this evening in front of the flat screen in my house and watched it in its entirety.

And now, I’m sitting here with tear-stained cheeks and vodka and olive juice on my tongue, and I understand why the universe didn’t let me see the end until now. I don’t think I was ready.

Its impact was significant, and I think that has a lot to do with where I am in my life right now.

I’ve never been married, I don’t have kids. I don’t have a house of my own, or a well-paying job. Most of the relationships I’ve had in the last 5 years have been an absolute disaster, because I can’t seem to find myself attracted to the ones that matter. I’m almost 35, and I have no real social life to speak of – partly due to the fact that I prefer to be solitary, but also because I forgot how to be how other people think I should be.

I should be lonely, I should be lost. And for a long time, I was. But I don’t feel any of those things now. I love that I’m here, and I love what I’ve become. It certainly isn’t where I expected to be at this age, but I admit that I don’t envy the things I don’t have. I’m working on myself now, and I can’t say that I’ve loved myself as much as I have these last weeks. I’ve found that surrounding yourself with people and things often distract you from feeling things and discovering yourself. And, though I didn’t ask for it, that’s where I’ve been for the last years. And it feels really, really nice.

I don’t know if martinis replenish tears, but I’m having another anyway.

Thank you for reading, and I hope there is happiness for you to uncover as well…

Advertisements