i should have stayed in bed today.
when i have bad days, i wonder whether it’s just a matter of hormonal changes or circumstantial. i bet if you tracked my grouchy blogs, they would occur at similar tidal intervals.
between the skunk situation on monday night and a slew of nightmares last night, i feel like i haven’t slept in years. and i look like it.
the reoccurring theme about my place in san diego has surfaced again over the last two months, manifesting itself in doubts. truly, i have never felt at home here. san diego feels like i imagine it would if i were being transported around inside an aquarium – lots of stuff to see and hear, but a major sense of detachment. there’s so much i love about this city, but i feel like i don’t belong. which begs the question, would i feel like i belong anywhere else? is this feeling external or internal?
my lack of socialization is a symptom of my withdrawing every once in a while. my friends are deeply involved in their own lives/families that most of the time, i’m alone. which is great. until those times that i start feeling alone.
it’s this perpetual cycle that i create for myself, that i’m perfectly happy with until days like this. hanging out with people all the time is often overrated, and just distracts me from how i really feel. and my time alone over the last few years has allowed me to grow in ways that i wouldn’t be able to otherwise.
but deep down, i’m tethered here by a job. and that’s really about it. so is that enough?
i guess it’s more than i have drawing me anywhere else.
it’s weird, wondering whether you’re at a crossroads or just second guessing whether the path, which is not as well worn as the you’re on, branching off from your current location is just a little devoid of grass and nothing more.
i don’t know what i’m looking for. and the things i want sound a lot better than they would be in actuality. and maybe the dissatisfaction just keeps me from being apathetic.
still, i feel like i’m about to relive a scene from ‘falling down’.
my date from last week (who canceled on me) texted last night wanting to go get a drink, but my obstinate mood caused me to suggest another day – i don’t want to be an afterthought. i was kind, though. more on that later.
my toad has not surfaced, and i’m not sure how long one has to wait before an animal at that stage of the food chain should be declared legally dead.
estrogen is toxic sometimes. and even a feeling you know is temporary feels as rotten as it would were it indefinite. and those are the days you should stay in bed, watch PIR and eat ravioli out of a can.
i just had a coworker hand me a rockstar, and yet another coworker a pair of paul frank bedroom slippers with skulls on them. just putting them on at work makes me feel like mr rogers.
i’m lucky, and i forget that. to be surrounded by so much and not feel a part of it.
and now, a twist on “a conversation i actually had”:
sharon’s vault of 911 calls, vol 1
male (answering phone in a whisper): uh.. hello?
me: hi, this is the 911 center in eagle county. i’m calling you back because we got a 911 call from your cell phone. is everything okay?
male: oh god.. uh, yeah. my phone was in my pocket. i’m driving.
me: we get a lot of misdials. some phones automatically call 911 if a certain button is held down, like ‘9’. so if you have your phone in your pocket, you might want to put the keypad lock on.
male: i’m so sorry. everything is fine, i promise.
me: i had a feeling. it was an open line with you singing ‘heart of glass’ at the top of your lungs along with the radio.
me: so, good. i’m glad everything is okay. you sounded good, actually.
male: .. you heard that?
me: yes i did.
male: is it recorded?
me: yes, it is.
male: you won’t play it back and listen to it, will you?
me: no sir.
male: (pause) you’re going to, aren’t you?
me: no more than twice, i promise.