Ten Truths

1. I hate heights and bees. And also clowns. And cinnamon rolls. Well, I guess I’m just nauseated by cinnamon rolls. And also clowns.

2. One of my favorites things said to someone else about me was, after I dispatched officers to a call the previous night of an assault in progress with shots fired, one of the deputies said I was, “as cool as the other side of the pillow.” Of course, this from a man who violently maced two cats that were fighting outside his bedroom window.

3. I think mispronounced words can be adorable when spoken by adults, like ‘punkin’, as in the big orange fruit. However, saying things like ‘jagwire’ and ‘nu-cue-lur’ will get your punched in the mouth.

4. I think jared from the subway commercials is a pedophile. Or is the most amazing dom in history, with a giant prince albert and a studded collection of devices that make a sex swing look like it belongs on a playground.

5. An important trait in a potential partner is genital alignment. It’s the beauty of standing next to someone and feeling their hips against yours (or even better, them being slightly taller, so that you align perfectly when you’re on the step above them.) When debating this point, a boyfriend pointed out that everyone is genitally aligned when laying down – clearly an idiot. (sidenote: peter, this is why we would have made an awful couple in college. I mean, I thought you were hot, as did all the other girls in my class. And naturally you thought I was hot because my ridiculously en fuegoness is impossible not to become intoxicated by. But you being 6’8″ makes you a poor alignment candidate. Your waist aligns with my chin, which while being beneficial to you, always hurt my neck to look at your face.)

6. Despite the fact that Clay Aiken just fathered a child, he is gay. Absolutely gay. Queer as a three dollar bill. Am I the only one who sees this?

7. I am typically always right – I think that’s pretty obvious. Except for when I used to think Steve Perry was hot. And the time I substituted corn oil in a recipe with corn syrup. (syrup, oil? Same difference.)

8. Jerry Seinfeld is not funny. And Scarlett Johansen is not cute.

9. Miller High Life truly is the champagne of beers.

10. I ate steak-umm and Vienna sausages as a kid. And I believe this is why I eat non-meat meat products to this day. Do you know what the first ingredient of Slim Jims are? Mechanically separated chicken. Go to 7-11 and tell me I’m wrong.

(Bonus truth: I don’t know my right from my left. I carry around a sharpie in case I need to scrawl an L or a R on my hands.)

So, back to genital alignment. I have a date tomorrow. He’s cute, sweet. He’s not a perfect speller, but he does have a degree in biology. Who cares if you can’t spell when you passed o-chem, right? Anyway, he’s in the range of being aligned, though pushing it a little since he’s my same height. Could be a deal-breaker. If he looks anything like Clay Aiken, I’m out.