i’ve never been a big fan of tv. but over the last few years, i’ve loved it. mostly because i didn’t watch it, and my memory of it was awesome. but, after a week or so of really watching tv, i realize how much it sucks.

i’m eloquent, i know.

nothing good is ever on tv. i don’t know what i expected to watch. maybe a late night episode of aqua teen, or some cool discovery show about serial killers. but all i found were awful infomercials with inventive ways to make quick and easy meals. my earlier claims about reality tv being worthless has been undeniably confirmed.

it’s also not a good idea to have television be the mirror of your success or failure. i figured that moving to california, i would end up with a new group of friends, sitting around a couch in a cafe, dinking coffee, talking about our wacky adventures.

but i don’t have any of that.

i’ve also discovered that it’s impossible to judge the course of your life against the people you know. it’s not fair to you, them, and it harbors bitterness. it’s also completely inaccurate to judge another person’s life on what you know about them. it’s never as easy or as great as you think it is for anyone. and often, they are envious of your life, the one you spend too much time bitching about.

i freaked out at my doctor’s office a few months ago. 12 years of aggression in one moment of tears. and he finally listened and said, “yeah, you’re right. sleeping that much isn’t normal. i’m going to find something to fix it.”

they gave me some medicine normally given to people with narcolepsy, and i can’t remember a time when i’ve felt this good, this normal. i sleep 9 or 10 hours a night. it’s like if someone changed life to 32 hours in a day. i can’t explain how i feel – mad that they didn’t figure it out sooner, overjoyed that i have my life back, afraid that it won’t last. i’m happy. and a little numb.

i’ve decided to date online again. i don’t know what the hell my problem is. there’s a very slim chance of actually finding that weird, unique, jewel of a man online whose magic value has gone largely unnoticed by most women, and who is tired of the simple, boring, beautiful girl that i am not and ready for someone to keep him on his toes.

but, at the very least, i know you, my faithful reader, will benefit from my ridiculous love life tales. they seem to be the ones that get you guys talking. and if i spend an painful evening with a total stranger and will never get that time or lipgloss back, you know that i’m taking you down with me, every one of you.

it feels like things are changing. for the better. i feel like i’ve macheted-out at least a visible path for myself. i can only see the few meters ahead of me, but i sense something else. good or bad, it will be exciting.

in the meantime, i can’t figure out why the oxyclean guy has to yell about everything he endorses. i get tired thinking that love life is somewhere between a hollywood movie and an episode of big brother. i can’t even decide which is worse or why i would even want a life like that.

i want my life. and i have it back, at least partially. the rest, i get to invent as i go. and even if it’s on my own for a while, it won’t be in a coffee shop.