there was a bit of an odd scenario that started this discussion into fidelity. these events are true.

recently, a girl went out with friends. at the beginning of the night, the girls met a group of guys (who outnumbered the girls by double) and they all ended up talking and drinking and flirting.

pretty early on, this girl was approached by the most confident man of the bunch. this guy boxed out any of the other men, and more or less “verbally pissed on” our heroine (thanks to sunny for that phrase, which usually entails someone claiming someone else in a social situation either verbally, physically, or both.)

over the course of the evening, the guy made graphic suggestions aloud to the girl about what he was going to do to her, in no uncertain terms. the flirting continued. he bought her drinks. the night progressed, and it was time to leave. she got into his car and they drove back to his place.

he reminded her in detail, in case she forgot, exactly what was going to happen once they got back to the house. the subject of safety came up, and the guy admitted there weren’t any condoms at his house. she let him know that if he was expecting anything, that he had better stop and make a convenience store purchase, which he was more than happy to do, and went out of his way to do it. she knew from the beginning of the night where things were going, and she was okay with it.

the flirting got a little more involved, and they arrived home. he made sure to check with her, and let her know that what was to follow was only that and would be nothing more, which she was aware of. and over the course of the next hour or two, things progressed as you might imagine. there was a decent amount of foreplay, including oral sex, and sex followed.

just as things were reaching finality, he stopped. his face became grave. she asked him if everything was okay. after a few moments of constructing his thoughts, he told her that there was someone special in his life. he couldn’t “do this”.

caught very off guard, she asked him if he was serious, and indeed he was. her first thought was, “you can’t do this? you’ve already DONE this.”

respecting his wishes, she dressed and gathered her things and left.

when the story was retold a few days later among girlfriends, many questions arose (after the amusement died down, that is.) did this guy consider having sex with another woman completion? he wasn’t around to interview, but we had to try and guess what he had been thinking. we all agreed that it would have been appropriate to put a halt to things before leaving the bar, right before condoms were purchased, once they got home and started kissing, or even right before or after oral sex . it may have even been appropriate at the outset of sex, but none of that happened. in fact, she had no idea there was another woman in the picture or that there was any apprehension at all. in fact, the whole night was a prelude to this event that she invited and went along with, but she certainly was never in the driver’s seat for.

my question to you is, did this guy really think that it made a difference whether he came or not? on what planet does that solidify that sex occurred? he was only hurting himself to not take the final minute or two to complete the act, but for whatever reason, that minute made all the difference to him.

we debated a little further, and found that, according to one of the girls, that some men didn’t consider it sex if there was no completion (in which case, many of the women i know could say they never had sex with most of their previous boyfriends.) also, some men thought that oral sex, either the gift or receipt, was not considered sex.

clearly, cheating on someone without involving sex is significant. but when sex is involved in infidelity, the stakes increase tenfold.

is oral sex considered sex? have you engaged in the act of sex after penetration occurs? if not then, when?

these and many other questions surfaced throughout the afternoon. all girls present pretty much agreed that cheating encompasses anything you would hide from a boyfriend/girlfriend, regardless of whether there is any physical contact. but obviously not everyone in the universe agrees with that.

so what actually consitutues cheating? for that matter, what constitutes sex?