it’s 8pm. i’m eating breakfast, which if you must know consists of red bull, chex mix (homemade, natch) and gobstoppers. being nutritious always makes me feel pensive.

i had to deal with some shitty drivers on my way to work (cursed tourists), then i ran out of pretzels in my chex mix. it sort of follows the same theory that i have about salad. when the croutons are gone, the salad is over. i’m clearly at fault for adding too few pretzels or too much chex (okay, Bitz, the generic chex). nobody to blame but myself. but this gives me no consolation. nor do any of the other unpleasantries i have come upon this month that were due to something i did.

my only bright, shining light of hope in this life is that i’m where i’m supposed to be. fate, i guess. that everything happens for a reason, and that i’m here because it’s leading me to the next big thing. don’t get me wrong, i’m not coasting through my life waiting for things to happen. but i get panicked that i made wrong choices. and fate is the only thing that brings me out of that awful feeling.

i read some guy’s profile a few days ago, during a myspace browse session. and i’ll sum it up (apologies to him if i sum it badly): “fuck love. there is no such thing as fate. there is no love.” he’s obviously entitled to believe that, but i can’t. i think i’d drink myself into unconciousness weekly. and please, please nobody tell me that the tooth fairy doesn’t exist either. these are the only two things i have to hold onto.

i want, for even just a brief moment of time, to say “it’s perfect. everything is as it should be.” no counting the days until my next paycheck, not letting my job and it’s negativity weigh me down. i want to sit at a restaurant somewhere, and be across from someone who looks at me like he wouldn’t look away if the room caught fire. i know that i have high expectations. i start to apologize for that, and then think, why the hell would someone want low expectations?

as a high point for the week, i achieved one of my lifetime goals. i bought myself a bottle of cristal, and i had planned to listen to some ODB and drink it out of a red Solo cup. but fuck it, i’m buying glassware for that shit. i’ll let you know how it tastes…